Being Vital

At Thanksgiving last year before dinner, I spoke to out host's mother, Shirley. She and her husband had moved from Vermont to Seattle a few years ago to be with their son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. They lived in a retirement community.

Shirley was a great conversationalist. I asked if she missed Vermont.

"My husband and I were originally from New York," she began, in a New York accent. But her husband worked for IBM (short for "I've Been Moved") and they asked him to move to Burlington. They went and their kids, a boy and a girl, eventually enrolled in University of Vermont.

I'm not sure about this, but I believe that they had one car. At least the kids didn't have a car. So on a typical day, Shirley would drop her husband off at work and the kids at campus. Then she'd go to the bank,  the grocery, come home, put away the groceries, make her appointments. I assume that she'd make dinner, then go back to campus and pick up the kids. After dinner she's take them to the library.

"Wouldn't they be at the library awful late, for you to go pick them up?" I asked.

"Well, they'd take me back home so that they could have the car. It was a very small town."

Then she sighed and said, "Those were the days."

Shirley was looking slightly past me as she recounted all this. From her closing remark it would seem more fitting if she was reliving a life of golf, bridge games, and dinners at the country club. But her wistfulness was for a time when she saw herself as vital -- which is not to say that she's not vital now, with her children, grandchildren, and husband nearby. But in Burlington, she was the center of things in a way that enabled her family to run while each person pursued their goals. She created a world that called her to act everyday.

In the months since meeting Shirley I've thought about whether I'm vital in my world. In fact I feel the question like an undertow. At 57, how connected am I to communities other than my immediate ones -- work and friends here in Savannah? Yes, I stay in touch with a few people from high school, and extended family. But some important connections and activities have puttered to a stop. My ideas about those parts of my life have become more ideas than real.

What is being vital? It's being part of communities, using talents, being more present, more often for people who are important. It means involvement in activities that I see myself in, and some that I never thought about, as chances arise. It's a time that I'll look back on and say, "that was great" or "I can't believe I did that."

For Shirley, with immediate family in front of her, she probably became vital without even knowing it was happening (as my boyfriend said). In my case, I'm thinking about ways that I can be more vital and am trying to take a step toward it everyday. Writing about Shirley is a start.